Relief Line is your not-so-serious glance at the city we love.
Date: Wednesday January 13, 2016
Location: Toronto City Hall
The door to the meeting room is flung open and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau breezes in, the orgasmic screams of his fans echoing behind him. Mayor John Tory stiffly rises from his seat to shake the Prime Minister’s hand. Even though they are alone both reflexively turn to smile for the non-existent cameras.
Tory: I am really glad we could have a private talk about real, substantive issues, Mr. Prime Minister. All those cheering crowds and that empty sloganeering can be such a distraction.
Trudeau: Well, I personally love to hear from passionate Canadians. To help move Canada forward! A brighter future! Real change! Etcetera, etcetera!
Tory: Uh, right.
The PM stares expectantly at the Mayor.
Tory: Is everything okay Mr. Prime Minister?
Trudeau: You’re not clapping, John. People usually clap after I talk.
Tory: Oh, okay.
The Mayor begins to clap.
Trudeau: There’s generally some cheering too.
Tory: (hesitantly) Uh, woo-hoo! Yay! Go Mr. Prime Minister, go! You are an effective and competent leader! Um, woo-hoo!
Trudeau: Wow! What a response! Thank you!
The PM motions for the Mayor to calm down and they take their seats.
Trudeau: I’ll be honest, John, I was worried about this meeting.
Tory: Why is that?
Trudeau: (laughing) Some people warned me that you could be a bit of a robot.
Tory: A robot? That’s offensive! The correct term is protocol droid.
Trudeau: Wait, what?
Tory: I mean I am not a robot!
Trudeau: I know, John. It was just a joke.
Tory: Right, a joke! I love human jokes!
The Mayor emits a short, staccato laugh before abruptly stopping.
Tory: Well, now that we’ve had a good chuckle and confirmed each other’s humanity, I was hoping we could get down to business. Maybe we can begin with SmartTrack?
The PM starts making loud snoring noises.
Tory: I am sorry, Mr. Prime Minister, have I said something wrong?
Trudeau: A municipal infrastructure project isn’t exactly a fun and sexy topic, John.
Tory: (shocked) What? Since when?
Trudeau: Since me! Now Canadians want to discuss transformational issues like climate change, me solving climate change, refugees, me hugging said refugees, marijuana and, of course, me legalizing marijuana.
Tory: (whispering) You mean dope?
The Mayor shifts uncomfortably.
Trudeau: Don’t tell me you’re against legalizing it?
Tory: Um.
Trudeau: You smoke though, right? Wynne said you could hang.
Tory: I think I got contact-high during a meeting with the Ford brothers once.
Trudeau: Then you’ll smoke with me?
The PM whips out a joint and lights it.
Tory: Oh gee whiz! It’s super neat of you to violate numerous by-laws by smoking an illegal substance on City Hall premises, and I’d love to join you, but—
The PM takes a few puffs and then passes it to the Mayor.
Trudeau: You want that SmartTrack money, right?
The Mayor grabs the joint and takes a quick drag.
Tory: (coughing) Mmm! That is one tasty marijuana cigarette. I can’t wait for it to impair my sober decision-making skills. Now about that federal funding–
Trudeau: (interrupting) Man, can you relax for a sec? I was hoping this would be more of a closed-door chill session, you know?
Tory: Chill? Session?
Trudeau: Yeah, let’s rap. Tell me about yourself. What are your passions? What are your dreams? What’s your hair regimen?
Tory: Then we can talk about SmartTrack?
Trudeau: Sure.
Tory: Well, okay, my passion is providing stable leadership for Toronto, my dream is realistic long-term economic growth for Toronto and my hairstyle has remained exactly the same since 1982.
Trudeau: Nice. And what’s your favourite colour? Mine is rainbow.
Tory: I guess I am more of a beige guy. Anyway, we don’t have a lot of time so—
Trudeau: (interrupting) —Hey! I forgot! I do have a question about SmartTrack!
Tory: Yes! Great!
Trudeau: Why no space between “Smart” and “Track”? Seems weird to me.
Tory: Oh, I think it was just a design decision.
Trudeau: Really? Man, I love graphic design. It’s so creative, you know? After I do this PM thing for a few years, I think I might even go to design school. How about you? What’s the plan after politics?
Tory: (confused) Nothing? I have been programmed to perpetually seek higher office.
Trudeau: Huh?
Tory: I mean, um, I want to devote more time to human leisure activities, like designing algorithms to predict Toronto’s budgetary requirements—
Suddenly an aide to the Prime Minister bursts into the room.
Aide: Sorry to disturb your meeting, Mr. Prime Minister, but we’re losing control of the crowd.
Trudeau: (annoyed) First, this isn’t a meeting, it is a “closed-door chill sesh.” Second, “Mr. Prime Minister” was my father’s name. You can call me the Chosen One. Third—
Aide: Sir, we really have to go!
Tory: But we have not covered anything on the agenda! It’s itemized!
Trudeau: No problem. We’ll just tell the media we had a constructive discussion about, um, what were we talking about?
Tory: Can I say that we had a “mutually satisfying dialogue about SmartTrack” and that you acknowledged my plans were “sensible, practical and prudent”?
Trudeau: Sure, whatever.
Tory: Fun!
The PM and the Mayor rise from their seats and shake hands.
Tory: Well, I have found this meeting very productive, Mr. Prime Minister.
Trudeau: Likewise, John. Oh and can you do me one, last favour?
Tory: Of course.
Trudeau: I like it when people cheer as I exit a room. Do you mind?
Tory: Um, okay.
Trudeau: You’re the best!
As the Prime Minister opens the door and glides out into a crush of screaming fans the Mayor watches, steadily clapping.
Tory: Woo-hoo! Go Mr. Prime Minister go! You are a dependable steward of Canada’s economic future! Woo-hoo! Uh, yah!
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