Relief Line is your not-so-serious glance at the city we love.
If prices are any indication, Toronto has a burgeoning cocktail scene. There’s a sophisticated artistry to these elaborate drinks, and they’re made with thought and care.
But what are the definitive Toronto cocktails, the ones that speak to the hot-buttered heart and smokey soul of our fair city?
We put together a list that will give you a Toronto-centric drink for any occasion.
Babcock Sour
The choice for discerning and patient sports fans is this whiskey, lemon juice and egg white blend that starts off extremely sour but holds the vague promise of a sweeter aftertaste in three to five years.
Downtown Relief Wine Spritzer
A simple mix of chardonnay, soda water and elderflower topped off with a dash of wishful thinking. Feel free to replace the chardonnay with pinot grigio. Or even some ice wine. Heck, maybe you don’t even need alcohol in it! The recipe is in a constant state of revision so feel free to suggest anything. Note: the Downtown Relief Wine Spritzer costs a few billion dollars and may never arrive.
Dark n’ @Normy
Youngsters, teeny-boppers and tweeters will enjoy this snifter of mostly unpalatable scotch, which is youthfully repackaged with an infusion with ginger beer, lime juice and recycled memes.
Honest Ed’s Bargain Bin
Come in and get lost with the cheapest cocktail on the menu! This special mix of half-priced RC Cola, marked-down Halloween candy, discounted hand sanitizer is served on a floral patterned butter dish (half-off!). Now only $2.99! $1.99! 99 cents!
Virgin John Tory
A tall glass of room temperature tap water.
504 Eastbound and Down
Commuters may fancy this mélange of liquors, which is crammed uncomfortably into one glass that will jerkily pull up to your table just as you’ve given up all hope and left the bar to hail a cab.
Jittery Galloway
Breakfast isn’t complete without this smooth, authentic and occasionally probing beverage that jolts you out of bed with a healthy dollop of Baileys mixed into a quintuple espresso. The perfect palette cleanser after a Virgin John Tory or a Rob Forty of Vodka.
Bring Back the Don Mudslide Kahlua
This ’70s throwback cocktail is a murky concoction of unidentified ingredients that probably has trace amounts of Kahlua and, if you’re lucky, some potable water. It may also contain old tires, dead fish, condoms, kerosene, headless dolls, hypodermic needles, and a subtle hint of crème de menthe.
Lord John Graves Jell-O Drop Shooters
Nothing says John Graves Simcoe—the British Parliamentarian, Upper Canada’s first Lieutenant Governor and founder of the town of York—like a tray of candy flavoured Jell-O shots!
Condo Boom-Boom
An unending series of gin and tonics, in increasingly taller glasses, that keep coming and coming until your table is completely filled. These are not always made to the highest standards so watch out for the occasional panel of glass bursting out of the side of one of your drinks.
Rum and Etobi-coke
Just your standard rum and coke mixed in with a terrible pun.
South-By-South-West Queen Street West Presents: The Definitive Cocktail Experience
The ingredients of SXSWQSW most exclusive cocktail do not matter. What matters is the right people see you drinking it. Obviously I can’t tell you which ultra-cool, celebrity-endorsed speak-easy actually serves the cocktail, but I can say the dress code is “Casual Parisian Waif,” the music playing is “Electro-Noise-Silence” and the password is “I literally hate this place.” And if you’re wondering why I gave you the password to a nobody like you, it’s because Toronto’s cocktail culture has been over for three months and all true connoisseurs have moved on to sipping seasonally-varied, cultured pickle brines.
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